All content is ©2008 Karl Heitmueller Jr. / TOUGH GUY Goods and Services. No ownership is implied of copyrighted material. ORIGINALLY POSTED June 3, 2006
		KRYPTONITPICKING It’s horse beatin’ time: In case it hasn’t been evident, I’m looking forward to Superman Returns quite a bit. I have my problems (already) with the costume and the idea of Lois having a child (even though it’s a no-brainer that the kid will turn out to be the result of the super-snogging in Superman II). But I trust Bryan Singer and it will be nice to see Supes on the big screen again. Still, the odds that Superman Returns will replace Richard Donner’s 1978 Superman: the Movie as my all-time favorite movie are pretty slim. The main reason is the passage of time. I’m just too old and cynical for any superhero movie to have as deep and impenetrable impact on me as that first serious big-screen superhero movie did back when I was 13 years old. But, as much as I love Superman: the Movie, as much as I blanch when someone disparages Christopher Reeve or complains about “Can You Read My Mind,” I do have more than a handful of complaints about the film. Watching it again (for about the hundredth time) recently with a friend (which always forces at least a bit of objectivity), those nitpicking details all came to mind. First of all, I’m not crazy about the idea that, for TWELVE YEARS, Kal-El broke free of his “Earthly confines” and traveled through time and space with the ghost of Jor-El, earning his PHD in superheroics while completely losing touch with his adopted planet (and mother! What the heck did Martha Kent think happened to her son?). It hardly seems like the best résumé for getting a job at the Daily Planet, does it? Let’s discuss the balcony scene. Yes, there’s no way Lois Lane, a city beat reporter for the Daily Planet, could afford that kind of apartment in New Yo-- uh, Metropolis. Unless she grandmothered a rent controlled lease or something, but that’s highly unlikely. But that’s not my biggest beef with the scene. We see the entire interview, from the moment Superman lands on the ledge through the chilly flight over the city (including the teeth-aching “Can You Read My Mind” sequence, which wouldn’t have been nearly as bad had Margot Kidder been able to carry a tune) back to the balcony. Throughout what Perry White calls, “the single most important interview since God talked to Moses,” Lois displays an amazing ineptitude as a journalist. She only asks a few of the Big W’s and focuses more on questions like, “Do you have a girlfriend?” So how come the article that appears in the Daily Planet the next day contains tons of factual information (such as the location of the galaxy that contained Krypton) that Supes and Lois never went over? And why would Superman conceal his age, but freely admit that he can’t see through lead? “Hey, criminals! Here’s some information that might help you defeat me!” And then there’s the movie’s conclusion. After the earthquake sequence and the worst models in the history of film (Superman saved the model train village!), Lois lies dead and Superman defies Jor-El by interfering with human history and turns back time (or does he go back through time? It’s open to interpretation) to save her. But exactly WHAT does he do? He doesn’t go back far enough to stop the second missile from hitting because the now-alive Lois describes the resultant earthquake. If Superman has discovered he’s fast enough to break the time barrier, then he’s certainly fast enough to take care of both missiles, so why not just do that? Did he just stop the aftershock that buried Lois’ car? That seems a tad self-indulgent. There are other teensier nits to pick: Jeff East’s horrible wig as the teenage Clark Kent. The too-skinny “S” family crest that Jor-El wears on Krypton. Where does Clark’s briefcase go when he changes to Superman at super-speed? When Superman is standing on the side of the building waiting to catch the falling jewel thief, his cape defies gravity by hanging against his body instead of towards the ground. And I know kryptonite makes Superman weak, but too weak to take a chain off from around his neck? But, especially with superhero movies, we fanboys have to balance the bad with the good, and what we usually deem most important is the film’s faithfulness to the SPIRIT of the source material. And no movie has ever topped Donner’s Superman. The few movies that came close (the Spider-Man films, the X-Men series, Batman Begins) were all made by directors who publicly expressed a debt of inspiration to Superman: the Movie (sometimes in director’s commentaries, no doubt to Marvel’s annoyance). So, despite some leaps of logic, a goofy section here and there, Gene Hackman’s sometimes misplaced performance and, okay, “Can You Read My Mind”... I still (especially since the death of Christopher Reeve) get a lump in my geeky throat every time I watch Lois ask her mysterious rescuer, “Who are you?” to which Superman responds, simply, “A friend.” Now THAT’S verisimilitude.